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If you read it; you'll judge.
Oct. 21st, 2006
10:28 am
I woke up this morning and watched Blade Runner. I finally understand it. I've come to the conclusion that the reason why I didn't understand it at first was simply because I didn't read the prolouge in the beginning. And yes, Deckard is a replicant.
I'm supposed to have breakfast with him today, and my stomach is a mess. I'm going to tell him. I can't be his back-up. He has to understand. He just has to. I'm pretty sure ill be writting again later today.
Oct. 18th, 2006
09:30 pm
I'm eating 100 calorie pack oreos, which seems pretty stupid considering i had 4 real oreos today during 1st and second period. Yes, it is pretty stupid, but the fact that people actually brought food to first period is hilarious. Ryan hanson, although i am almost certain he doesnt know my name, somehow managed to convince everyone to have a party today because we had a sub. Thank god she was young, or we would have been in deep shit. People brought donuts and chips and cheesenips; but i just had 4 oreos. It was too early for me.
Back to what i was saying. I'm eating 100 calorie pack oreos, drinking vanilla flavored almond milk, while im watching Lost, listening to New England Roses, and my parents fighting in the other room. I can sit here and lie, and say that i have written 30 pages of thoughts and ideas but i havent. Do not get me wrong, they have been brewing in my skull all day, and i want to write them down but i havent had time. I think ill write a piece before i go to bed. One single truthful piece that will make me happy. Something unconventional.
Nothing particularly significant happened today. I wore my old blue sweater to school, that i used to wear all the time my freshman year. It felt so sweet. I want to use the word nostalgic, but i use it way too much. More than i should anyway. it was just indescribable. That was significant, but only to me so i am not sure it counts. I watched america's next top model. im falling more and more in love with michelle. She reminds me of fiona apple. And john locke just saved Mr eko from the polar bear. Wednesday's and thursday's are the only days i really watch tv.
tomorrow is senior panoramic, and ivette michelle and i didnt make shirts. Im going to try to make a sign.
And i dont like to be touched.
Michelle makes me jealous. i want to be her.
indifferent06:11 pm
I hate seeing old friends only to realize how superficial they've become over time.
aggravatedOct. 17th, 2006
08:56 pm
The strangest thing happened to me this morning. I suppose it had been building up since this weekend but it wasn't until this morning that I understood.
I was turning on the truck for my mom, half ready for school, when I started going through the songs on the CD. I didn't feel like getting out of the truck for some reason. The door was open, and droplets of last night's rain fell from the roof of the truck, onto my head. I honestly didn't care. The shins were playing, and I think I stayed in the truck for almost 3 minutes, just watching. Watching the newly cut bushes, the grey clouds covering the mountains, the 2 SUVs that quickly drove past my little street. Those 3 minutes were the best i can remember in awhile. The tree's long branches seemed to flutter, and i just took every detail in.
I came to see how fast the people in the world move, while the world itself moves at such a graceful pace. It makes me sad. No one notices the dew on every blade of grass. They read about it but no one really notices. Whatever everyone's reasons are for not doing so, although I am curious as to what they are, simply are not any of my business. All I know is that I was extremely happy I took those 3 minutes to slow down and just watch.
Just watching made me realize a lot of things. Well, not realize but understand. Once I did get off of the truck, I looked out at my front door and figured out what it all meant. I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror, and knew I was beginning to find myself. It's not that I had been someone who I really wasnt just to get attention or get people to like me. I just never felt the way I did this morning, or this weekend. I felt significant. I felt like a part of a BIG something. Perhaps it seems that I am just rambling on, but I really felt like i understood that I was alive, and that my life had meaning.
The strangest part is that as soon as I inhaled the frosty air, my lungs expanded and so did my mind. My writer's block was completely gone.
For the past year, I havent been able to write anything. Sure, I'd write essays for school, but that was because I had to. Whenever I'd look at a blank piece of paper, it would laugh at me, and I'd get frustrated and tear it up. Not today; not since this morning. And even now, writing this is making me feel alive. I missed the days of enjoying what I wrote, and today I'm loving it because it's real. I'm here. These thoughts are running through my mind. I understand. A breakthrough. It's all real. It's all real to me.
I feel like I'm really close to finding myself.
thankful